On Parenting

I've been raising a kid for more than a decade now. I fail at it constantly—embarrassingly often. But in the gaps between failures, I've noticed some patterns. These are observations, not rules. Things that helped me, might not help you. Take what resonates, ignore the rest.

Findings

• Pick your battles.
• They learn from what they see, not what they hear.
• They ignore the "no" in every phrase you say.
• They are always looking for your attention. If you are not there, someone (or something) will be.
• Take care of yourself first. Doing it isn't selfish: your self-care helps the kids.
• Your stress becomes their stress. They absorb more than you realize.
• Spend time with them. Lots of time. We become what we surround ourselves with.
• Listen to what they're actually saying, not what you think they should be saying.
• Praise them when you can. The world will criticize them plenty—you don't need to.
• Lower expectations, higher satisfaction. For both of you.
• Physical presence matters. Sleep near them when you can—they notice.
• Explain things thoroughly. Their capacity for understanding exceeds what you'd expect.
• They will have meltdowns. We all do.
• Violence—physical or psychological—teaches them that love hurts. This pattern is hard to break.
• They don't think logically. They will not be able to do it for a long time. Accept it.
• There will be questions. Thousands. Use them to examine your own beliefs and assumptions—it's free therapy.
• Be honest with them. Assume they can sense when you're lying.
• They'll make mistakes constantly. So will you. Practice gentleness with both.
• Hey kid.