Caffeine's Monthly Digest

2024-12-09 — November

November feels like an endless road in my memory. Alongside my neverending book pile, reading manga has become a nightly ritual over the month, providing much-needed escapism after long days. I finally got around to binging Uramiya Honpo, a series I've been wanting to re-read for ages.

Work was hard as always, with endless meetings and decisions weighing heavily on my shoulders. But home life provided balance - precious moments with my little one, family time, and occasional periods of rest. Even so, there's no denying: Burnout is here.

The best part of the month was finally releasing the Diablo Tribute album on BandCamp. Despite the setback with the cassette tape scam I got into, seeing so many enjoy it made me smile. I still plan on making the cassettes a reality.

My creative flow continues stagnant, yielding nothing I find noteworthy. However, I've accepted this lull, recognizing that inspiration will return when it's ready.

2024-11-14 — October

As I try to grasp October, it slips through my fingers like sand in an hourglass. The month lingers in my memory, yet the details are few, the recollections minimal.

My routines unfold like well-rehearsed performances—some bring satisfaction, while most only add stress. My body follows familiar patterns, yet my mind drifts to places I don't even realize.

Conversations drift in from people scattered across different time zones and life paths, their stories collecting in my mind like artifacts from distant places. Archived, but not yet processed.

Over the entire month, all I see is an endless cycle of days bleeding into nights, sleep patterns dissolving into chaos, meetings stretching beyond their bounds.

In this frozen state of existence, books continue to be my go-to escape. Like in September, they create parallel worlds that run alongside a reality that has stalled.

Within their pages, I find movement. Stories unfold with their unique logic, each chapter revealing new possibilities I can't help but follow.

As October departs, leaving behind mere fragments of memories, something continues to shift beneath the surface. I'm still unsure about what is it.

So I persist, my mind continuously streaming input from books like data packets from a trusted source, finding stability in their structured chaos. Because sometimes, running in maintenance mode is enough, and there's beauty in the hum of a system in AUTO mode, preparing for its next deployment cycle.

2024-10-03 — September

September stretched out like a lazy cat in a sunbeam, feeling like it lasted forever. In these long days, a crazy dance unfolded between the puppy and the child. It was a challenging yet fun game, like juggling flaming marshmallows without a mess.

Creatively, I retreated into my fortress of solitude. My side projects took a backseat. My energy levels seemed to have taken some time off, leaving me with just enough zest to update img now and then. It's been an introspective phase, where the usual hustle made way for a more laid-back rhythm.

Now, let's discuss the mystery surrounding the Diablo tapes. The production is taking longer than expected, feeling like a Monday morning that won't end. Am I being cleverly deceived? Only time will tell.

With all the spare time of this endless September, I indulged in reading, sleeping, and letting my mind wander. It's been a quiet rebellion against the chaos of the world outside and work.

There was also a lot of work, but I'm trying not to let it affect me too much.

October should bring more peace and tranquility, I hope. As the year comes to a close, I'm looking forward to getting away to London in December. The thought of holiday lights, busy streets, and warm tea is exciting. Here's to a refreshing October and exciting times ahead.

2024-09-02 — August

After struggling for the last few months, I decided to confront what was hurting me and started organizing my life. A key step was beginning psychoanalysis, which led to deep reflection on many aspects and how to handle different situations. After spending too much time reacting to self-created problems, I began my recovery process in August.

The month was even more special as we welcomed a new puppy into our family. After years with cats who have since passed, little Lorem brings a new spark to our lives, especially benefiting my child.

Cutting back on alcohol has cleared my mind, allowing me to think more clearly and make better decisions. As a result, my focus has improved tremendously, and my anxiety has decreased significantly.

This month was less productive than previous ones, likely due to the productivity from a prolonged hypomanic episode. However, I feel more at peace with myself, even without achieving as much.

Looking forward to what September will bring.

2024-08-05 — July

I hope to one day be able to properly write about what I lived in July 2024. What once brought me comfort has now shattered, leaving deep wounds. I was physically present at events, guided by routine, while my mind grappled with a spectral illusion. I inflicted pain on those who didn’t deserve it, using alcohol to numb my feelings and escape reality.

The shame and pain persist. I struggle constantly, but I remind myself that I am human and life is a process.

My responsibilities are significant, many of which I did not choose. I cannot follow a path where my choices add more burden to something I cannot change. Continuing to harm myself to maintain something, no matter how valuable, only brings pain to those involved.

At some point, I lost myself while trying to manage everything for those I love. I thought it would work, but my subconscious signaled otherwise, pulling me deeper into despair.

Growth happens through discomfort, and that remains true. I wish I had understood this sooner.

As August begins, I aim to process my experiences from this season, even if it’s just a little each day. A small, persistent hope is powerful.

2024-07-13 — June

It's already over

And I don't even know

Looking for a window

That I already closed

No matter how much I want it

How bad I've tried

Nothing's there on the other side

2024-06-20 — May

May was a nightmare; I don't remember one third of it.

2024-05-03 — April

April was a very busy month. Some highlights:

• Travelled to my hometown for a conference
• Was able to summon and bind a pesky magnetic nymph and inked it into my skin
• Had family visiting for a while — always both chaotic and heartwarming at the same time.
• Met in person some friends who have been working with me for a while
• Progressed on shadow work planned for 2024
• Been slowly working on a new song that is shaping up nicely. A lengthy yet fulfilling process.
• Organized my websites and services and moved them to a home lab under the caffeine.computer domain
• Developed a self hosted static image gallery generator to share meaningful imagery. That got me admitted into the triapul's unholy sect
• Scored an old Thinkpad x200 for a steal and I've been tinkering with it, diving into 9front. It's like a puzzle that never ends
• Met people at a local co-working space and socialized more. I had no idea how badly I missed random people.

All in all, April was jam-packed but in a good way. Sure, there were some rough patches, but that's life, right?

May Beltane usher in showers and new adventures!

2024-04-23 — March

Wow, March just zipped by. It was packed with stuff to do, and here I am, almost at the end of April, finally taking a moment to think about all that happened.

Honestly, March was way better than February. I felt like my life had a bit more sparkle, and things just seemed to go my way more often.

I got my hands into a bunch of different projects, which was cool. Plus, I'm back working out of an office space that wasn't my home for a couple days a week, which honestly helped me keep a solid routine.

Ah, I also attended an ambient music workshop. it was pretty neat.

March was also about healing and grieving. Right after it, April came along with its own kind of intensity, but in a good way.

So, looking back, March was like this quiet little haven for me to get my head and heart back on track.

2024-03-11 — February

February was short. Yet, tough challenges filled it. It tested me with of trials to gauge my resilience.

The important project I mentioned in January crumbled despite our best efforts. February brought a crash landing, leaving us staring at the wreckage in disbelief.

Out of nowhere, everyone got sick at our household. The timing was almost comical, aligning with our project setback, as if testing us further.

Looking back, there's little I want to revisit about it.

Farewell to February — a month that felt like a marathon. Out of it I got, a bit weary, with some stories to tell.

Time to embrace March, a month already in full motion.

2024-02-01 — January

January was pure chaos. I traveled the entire month, juggling several tasks and deprioritizing what I could to focus on what was important.

A significant personal project has occurred; the result will be known by early February. Meanwhile, making music, coding, writing, and other personal projects were paused to accommodate this project.

Life has been stressful and unforgivable over the month, but I will survive.

Even so, I made fond memories and new stories to tell.

2024-01-01 — December

Crazy end-of-the-year month. I worked almost every day on my december adventure, learning a lot in the process.

I spent time with the family, some days I got too tired to do anything productive, but I tried to stay afloat. Did a bit of my yearly review (to be published) and all the other workflows around it that are just for myself. I released the first proper FINAL MAZE Album to good reception. We now have a proper logo for the band. You can see it in the cover of the new album.

I also have been working on our next release.

I started reading Evil Eye (four novellas of love going wrong), by Joyce Carol Oates. I'm digging it.

On the last day of December, one of my Caffeine's Heir work got released on CD and tape by the netlabel Stargazing at Blank Skies.

We are spending the day packing for our long January trip and getting the laptop updated to work from it. It will be my first trip with all my computers fully networked through Tailscale, so I'm not worried about losing access to anything.

January promises to be a busy month, with me juggling work, family vacations, and planning an international trip for early February. Go go go!

2023-12-01 — November

November was a busy month filled with work and family moments. Despite some financial challenges in the company, we made it happen.

Family visits provided a much-needed break from the hustle. My mom and a friend of my kid joined us, reminding me that life is about more than work.

Amidst business dealings, I secured some contracts and strengthened our team. In the personal front, I troubleshooted a number tech quirks, including resolving issues with my kid's counterfeit YouTube app.

Reading was an escape. "The Magus" was stimulating, while Cory Doctorow's stories were relaxing. Even so, I was able to release a new EP that I have been working on since I got back from Greece.

As the month ebded, I considered a possible trip to the States, weighing my options. Decided to not go. I've also kept thinking about how important (and hard) it is to balance work, family, and creativity. It's about taking one step at a time, staying true to yourself, and preparing for what's next.

2023-11-01 — October

October was an unconventional month. I began in Greece, getting ready to go back to Brazil. I immersed myself in the culture and the country captivated me. As soon as I got back, I went straight to my parents' house. Unfortunately, everyone there got sick.

As the month comes to a close, we're finally recovering from several weeks of illness in the house. Besides that, It's been a month of readjusting to our routine.

On the creative side, It was a very productive month. I composed music, collaborated with fellow musicians, and published content on Bandcamp. I also moved my website to a new, home-cooked system that doesn't need outside tools.

I used Tailscale to create a private network. Then, I prepared to transfer my LastPass account to a self-hosted Bitwarden vault.

Assuming all goes according to plan in November, I expect the following outcomes:

• A quieter month, with no big trips
• Write a trip report about Greece
• Re-add the Obsessions Calendar to my website
• Finally migrate from LastPass to my self-hosted Bitwarden vault
• Get all my musical corpus available in streaming platforms
• Start a trial of Obsidian to replace Roam Research in the long term
• Attempt to migrate away from Authy to a home hosted option too

But first, let's celebrate Halloween for real. May the spirits come.